Winning and Losing Communication Strategies for Couples

Winning and Losing Communication Strategies for Couples

“I can’t believe you said that!”, “Jeez, this again?”, “Well, if that’s how you feel, I’m done talking to you, jerk!” Each couple has their own version of “the fight.” But these fights have patterns. So let’s discuss the research behind the behaviors within couples’ communication that turn “the fight” into “the divorce proceedings.” The Gottman Institute calls them, “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” They are stonewalling, defensiveness, contempt, and criticism. These strategies are all but a guarantee for couples to remain in or escalate conflict. 

Here are a few examples of how these actually sound in the heat of the moment. Contempt may sound like: “you’re just like your mother” or “grow up, will you?” Or it can be the non-verbal ways that we communicate with each other. The over-exaggerated eye roll, the smirk, or the loud sigh. Criticism takes the form of statements like, “you always do that!”, “why are you so thoughtless”, or “you’re such a slob!” Defensiveness often shows up in the form of a “yea, but” where we almost acknowledge what our partner said, but quickly list all the counterpoints or ways that they contributed to the fight. Stonewalling is the door slam. It’s the “I’m not talking about this anymore” followed by the silent treatment. They take many shapes and forms, but these behaviors are all but a guarantee for conflict. 

When I write these out, I imagine they seem fairly obvious. When calm and not engaged in conflict, it’s so easy to see how problematic these behaviors are, which leads to the bigger question, “so, why do we do that!?!” It’s not that people are mean or jerks. (Well, some folks are, but that’s really an over-simplification.) I believe that these behaviors persist for several insidious reasons. First of all, we might have seen this behavior modeled in our family of origin. Maybe we watched our parents fight this way or they fought with us the same way. Another reason is that we can become dysregulated or flooded in the heat of the moment and say things that we regret. Furthermore, it’s possible that we simply don’t know the more effective ways to communicate with our loved ones. Personally, I believe that we communicate this way because it protects a more vulnerable part of ourselves, even if the cost is disconnection. 

There comes a time where one must choose between the loneliness of being emotionally disconnected and the vulnerability that accompanies the joy and pleasure of connection. When you’re ready to connect, there are better communication strategies that help your relationship win. The first one is sharing feelings: “I felt really disappointed that happened.” Take your partner’s perspective and find something in what they are saying that you can agree with. Provide some validation: “I can see where you would feel this way.” Take the time and offer a paraphrasing of what your partner has said. We all have ways to make our partners feel heard - there’s no right answer…but there are several wrong ones we’ve discussed!

If you are feeling like you and your partner are stuck in conflict and are having the same fight over and over, it’s time for therapy (shameless plug!). A therapist can help you improve your communication and understand each other’s perspective so that you can start the process of re-connecting. While I don’t want to scare you (ok, maybe a little), I want to be realistic that the longer that you wait for therapy, the harder it will be to change. I urge you to accept the vulnerability that comes with couples therapy and start shifting your relationship into a new chapter of connection - let the four horsemen be signs that it’s time for a change, not the apocalypse.