Earlier in my career, when I was a pre-licensed therapist, a former supervisor asked me, “Is sex therapy just the same as normal therapy?” I answered her, “yes,” but have regretted it ever since, mostly because it’s a gross oversimplification. I wish I had responded that the specialized training that a sex therapist undergoes provides deeper knowledge on sex and sexuality, which allows them to understand how to apply therapeutic techniques to issues surrounding sex.

I recently heard the term “monogomish” for the first time. I happened upon it listening to one of my favorite podcasts, “Sexology” with Dr. Moali, during an episode with guest Carrie Jeroslow. It’s not so often anymore that I come across new terms that discuss sex or sexuality, so I decided to listen to the episode and dig in to understand what exactly “monogomish” means. 

Low sexual desire is a common presentation for folks seeking sex therapy. It differs from asexuality because it’s distressing for the person experiencing it. For several reasons, it can be problematic in relationships, particularly where sex was an important element of a couple’s connection. That being said, it’s a treatable condition, with biological, psychological, and social underpinnings.

Starting therapy can be a commitment. It may be expensive, even with insurance. It demands time out of your week. And beginning therapy requires emotional energy. Before you embark, the following are my top 10 tips for getting the most out of your time, money, and energy.

There’s no shortage of language floating around that describes the same set of conditions: excessive use of pornography, excessive self-pleasure, or even behaviors involving affairs, sex workers, and secrecy. We can assign whatever labels we choose, but we know it when we see it. Some people refer to this as sex addiction. Others call it Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB) or Compulsive Sexual Behavior (CSB). So what exactly is “it?” 

It’s almost impossible to parse all the information out there on how marijuana impacts sex. The purpose of this blog is to provide clarity on the question of how marijuana impacts your sex life. And of course, we can have a little fun with musical references while we talk about your chemical romance.

There have been some studies addressing the impacts of GLP-1s on sexuality. The article noted findings showing a decrease in libido and others noted the opposite effect. In this blog, I offer my opinion on why we’re seeing such mixed results.

When I tell folks that sex isn’t a “drive,” I’m often met with a blank stare. Though I’m not a mind reader (even if folks assume their therapist is), I imagine someone thinking, “well, then why do we use the term ‘sex drive’?” While I don’t know the answer to that question, my personal opinion is that it feels like a drive. For some people, wanting sex can feel similar to feeling hungry or thirsty in that the feeling just emerges, seemingly out of nowhere. The reality is that desire is tied to our motivation and reward system.

The words “mindfulness” and “meditation” get handed out like free samples at Costco on the weekends. At this point, it’s become a trope among cardigan-clad therapists telling clients that the secret to all addressing their concerns is to simply incorporate mindfulness. While therapists do play this card early and often, mindfulness and meditation do have a wealth of benefits from improving symptoms of anxiety and depression, to relieving stress, healing intergenerational trauma, and even improving your sex life, which is the focus of this blog post.

In a recent meeting, one of the members asked me a question that sparked this post: how do I know if a someone is asexual or having a sexual problem? It occurred to me that they’d posed a truly excellent question, which deserved more attention. So, here’s my long-winded answer. 

I offer my view as a therapist who specializes in navigating complicated family dynamics, which is a potential area that “toxic” relationships often play out. I believe there is a pearl of wisdom to the “Let Them Theory.” We spend far too much time and energy trying to change the people around us, often unsuccessfully, and ultimately suffer more frustration, disappointment, and conflict.

Keeping emotions out of the corporate world is a great theory that completely fails in practice. It fails because we all have emotions and cannot selectively feel certain ones and not others, nor can we feel emotions in one context, but not another. That’s not how we’re wired.

When people find out I’m a sex therapist, after they stop giggling, the first question I’m usually asked is some flavor of “what is your best advice for having great sex?” Oftentimes, people are expecting something salacious about novel sex positions, or ways to have a better orgasm, but my advice is more straightforward and rooted in the research.

As Eugene Levy’s character (Jim’s Dad) in  American Pie reiterates in every sequel sex is a perfectly normal and natural thing. If he’s right, and we all love Eugene Levy, why is sexual shame so common and what do we do about it? 

Do you want the same amount of sex as your partner? Do you want the same type of sex as your partner? We tend to discuss desire discrepancy as the situation where one person in a monogamous couple wants more or less sex than the other. Folks tend to think of it in terms of an issue of frequency of sex, but it’s more nuanced.

We love to throw stones at explicit adult media materials. We demonize erotica, say that it ruins marriages, and warn that it leads to seeking more and more explicit or risky materials. Some say “it’s cheating!” or “it's exploitation!” Reality is nuanced, so let’s separate fact from fiction.

Each couple has their own version of “the fight.” But these fights have patterns. So let’s discuss the research behind the behaviors within couples’ communication that turn “the fight” into “the divorce proceedings.” The Gottman Institute calls them, “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” They are stonewalling, defensiveness, contempt, and criticism. These strategies are all but a guarantee for couples to remain in or escalate conflict.