“Let Them Theory:” Navigating Toxic Relationships and Complicated Family Dynamics
Recently, Fern Schumer Chapman, author of “Brothers, Sisters, Strangers,” a book on sibling estrangement, wrote a piece in Psychology Today on Mel Robbins’ book, “The Let Them Theory.” Schumer Chapman provides an excerpt from the author’s blog, which is used to summarize the main point of the theory, which is to let people behave as they will, even if it is toxic in some way. Ultimately, she indicates her preference for a different strategy: listening in service of growth. She criticizes the “Let Them Theory,” fairly in my opinion, arguing that this theory doesn’t even try to improve relationships and instead, sweeps problems under the rug.
While I agree with Schumer Chapman’s point of view, I also offer my view as a therapist who specializes in navigating complicated family dynamics, which is a potential area that “toxic” relationships often play out. I believe there is a pearl of wisdom to the “Let Them Theory.” We spend far too much time and energy trying to change the people around us, often unsuccessfully, and ultimately suffer more frustration, disappointment, and conflict.
Furthermore, I’m not a fan of the word “toxic.” It often oversimplifies complicated behavior, conveys different meanings to different people, and can be both a weapon and a shield that we hide behind. Using the word “toxic” allows the person who levies the term to, simultaneously, paint themselves as a victim, garnering sympathy, but more importantly, getting a free pass on examining their own problematic behaviors and ultimately undermining their own agency. To be a victim means that something was done to you and becomes the end of the story. Though there are valid exceptions to what I am about to say, such as cases of violence or abuses of power and control, in so many cases, the fact that we have agency makes me question whether we, as adults, can truly be victims. Often, saying we are, is an abandonment of self.
Instead of labeling behavior as toxic or adhering strictly to the “Let Them Theory,” I advocate a more nuanced approach: grieve that the relationship was not what you wanted or needed, accept the people around you, and focus on meeting your own needs. There is truly nothing more powerful than understanding what it is that we need, and being there for ourselves, potentially in ways that nobody was in the past, and loving ourselves through it. It is the opposite of victimhood: it is strength and resilience in the face of adversity.
