Quiet Quitting Your Relationship
We’re all familiar with the term “quiet quitting". It became popular during the height of the pandemic and came to symbolize the disengagement that employees felt and their reaction to that detachment - exerting the minimum amount of effort at work, and frankly, hoping their employer would not notice. In my opinion, it is emblematic of the growing imbalance in the workplace where employees are placed under increasing demands without sufficient incentivization or upside to counterbalance that pressure. But I digress. This is a blog about quiet quitting your marriage or relationship.
So what is quiet quitting your relationship? I think the easiest way to characterize it is that one person simply stops trying, but doesn’t exit the relationship. Perhaps they say they will do things and then apathy leads to a lack of follow through. A couple’s sex life fades. It could look like cancelling plans or otherwise de-prioritizing the relationship. Maybe it’s just too easy to let that coworker get a little too close. Often, it is simply silence. I’ve sat in sessions where couples do not even talk to each other (and yes, that’s awkward for all of us). Ultimately, one person simply doesn’t care anymore and that indifference drives their behavior.
While popular couples therapy techniques may not use the term “quiet quitting,” they sure have something to say on this topic. I remember when I completed my Gottman Therapy training and the trainer told us, “Marriages die by ice, not by fire.” And he was right. Quiet quitting is the symptom of the underlying icyness of the relationship. Behaviorally it can look like stonewalling, which Gottman calls one of the “Four Horseman of the Apocalypse" and without intervention, is a predictor of divorce, based on the Gottmans' research.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT or EFT) also applies here. EFT describes dynamics of a relationship in terms of patterns of pursuing and distancing, where folks in monogamous relationships tend to fall into one of those two patterns, ultimately leading to cycles of conflict. Quiet quitting, in EFT terms, is where the pursuer becomes burnt out and withdraws. If you engage in therapy with an EFT therapist, you are likely to begin to work on de-escalating your cycle and managing the pursue-withdraw tango.
I have my doubts that quiet quitting in the workplace is as quiet as we make it out to be. Businesses tend to be savvy and employers notice when folks are taking their foot off the gas. That being said, I’m confident that quiet quitting a relationship is anything but quiet. It’s a palpable scream. One’s partner will absolutely notice the indifference, and the reverse is also true. The quiet quitter is feeling their system signaling that a change is needed. Frankly, it’s painful for everyone involved.
Quiet quitting a relationship is an indicator of a serious issue. It is a signal to begin to reflect on how you, not your partner driving you, got here. It’s too easy, and often an oversimplification to blame one’s partner (though admittedly tempting!). Furthermore, you cannot control whether or not your partner changes. It's important to consider if you think the relationship can be fixed, if you still want to try and fix the relationship, and how your actions align with creating the future you want.
When I google quiet quitting, I notice articles informing me that quiet quitting is out and “quiet cracking” is in (I never can quite keep up with the trends in lingo or fashion, unfortunately). While I’m still struggling with some of the nuances between quiet quitting and quiet cracking, the parallel for relationships is a clear call to action: do something, or this will get worse.
