Sexual Shame - The Thing That Gets in the Way of Your Sex Life
As Eugene Levy’s character (Jim’s Dad) in American Pie reiterates in every sequel sex is a perfectly normal and natural thing. If he’s right, and we all love Eugene Levy, why is sexual shame so common and what do we do about it?
Sexual shame is common because we’re steeped and marinated in it from the time that we’re born to the day we die and we rarely notice. I’m not being hyperbolic. It begins in our infancy. When we change babies’ diapers, their hands immediately shift to their genitals - this is normal, believe it or not, and what do we do? We tell them not to do that and move their hands. And while they won’t necessarily remember this event, they can still internalize that they should not be touching or thinking about those parts. Furthermore, we play the common game and name body parts, but again, we skip right over those. We can’t even speak their name!
Babies mature, and soon, we develop a natural curiosity about our bodies and the bodies of others. Rather than foster that curiosity and use it to begin teaching children appropriate sexual behavior, again, we continue to give shaming messages as a list of things they shouldn’t do. This time should be used to lay the groundwork of consent and safety. We need to start telling children who is and is not safe and the times that their private parts can and cannot be shown or touched. We need to educate them on what to do if they need help. Safety starts with talking about touching our bodies, not the awkward avoidance. Teaching boundaries actually should begin this early.
Ok, I’ll step off my soapbox and get back on message…maybe. As children continue to mature, the way that we talk about sex, particularly solo sex, simply makes things worse. Oftentimes, we give young people the message: “don’t do that,” or even “it’s a sin.” We perpetuate myths that they will get acne or hairy palms or go blind. In reality, when we fail to acknowledge the simple truth that it feels good, we forever lose our credibility. We set people up a lifetime of shame when we create this contradiction that something that they enjoy is so awful.
That’s not even to say that there isn’t a fair way to talk to young people about solo sex or sex in general. I understand that certain groups are not in favor of solo sex or premarital sex, particularly for religious reasons. Communicating this without shame is clear: acknowledge to young folks the reality of hormones, urges, and pleasure and then highlight what your values dictate. For those who think that abstinence only sex education or avoiding discussions about sex with teenagers is the way to go, let me be clear again: abstinence only sex-ed leads to higher rates of teenage pregnancy and talking about sex with teenagers delays sexual onset. Well, I managed to find that soapbox again.
At any rate, as teenagers become adults and for any number of other reasons, sex becomes sanctioned. Instantly, there’s an expectation that we’re all dynamos in bed. Then reality reminds us all that life doesn’t work that way - sex is a skill that one needs to develop - including by understanding what feels good to our own bodies and learning how to communicate those preferences to our partners. Even worse, if we have told folks for their whole life that this is off limits, that message becomes internalized, and doesn’t go away all of a sudden when it’s suddenly OK to engage in sex. It actually worsens because now we harbor false expectations.
Ok, I know that was a lot. It was also quite the rant on my part, and I didn’t even talk about senior sex. Let me pivot and say, with empathy, how common it is to experience sexual shame and how it gets in the way of accepting one’s own sexuality and enjoying a fulfilling sex life. If nothing else, please remember that you’re normal and whole just the way you are.
