Monogomish
I recently heard the term “monogomish” for the first time. I happened upon it listening to one of my favorite podcasts, “Sexology” with Dr. Moali, during an episode with guest Carrie Jeroslow. It’s not so often anymore that I come across new terms that discuss sex or sexuality, so I decided to listen to the episode and dig in to understand what exactly “monogomish” means.
To my surprise, it’s not a new term! Jeroslow explained that it was coined by Dan Savage to describe his relationship status. Dan Savige described it as “not monogamy and not polyamory,” which to me, is about as clear as mud. Listening to the rest of the podcast, there were elements that I truly appreciated. In general, I appreciate having a term that is gray, rather than black and white. I often notice that we tend to become mired black and white thinking, and this is a great example of a nuanced middle. I also appreciate that it’s a way to dip one’s toes into polyamory or ethical non-monogomy (ENM) without necessarily going full tilt, which may be more accessible for those who are interested.
As for the podcast episode itself, I appreciated many of Jeroslow’s points about being monogomish and her ideas on ethical non-monogomy, in general. She took a candid approach and pointed out that ENM has many upsides, such as being healing for some folks and that it can be a way to carve out your own relationship path. I appreciated that she noted that ENM can be challenging, and despite people’s efforts to create boundaries and structure, we truly don’t know how things are going to play out. She also reiterates the importance of engaging in self-reflection. She was quite direct that maintaining a strong relationship prior to attempting ENM is crucial because of the thoughts and feelings that tend to arise. She even had some practical advice around being willing to incorporate a couples therapist, proceeding at the pace of the slowest partner, and regularly revisiting the ENM arrangement.
While I hold a positive view of this episode, there were a few points that I thought were missing, primarily that when opening a relationship to ENM arrangements, it’s also worth thinking through what might signal the need to close the relationship altogether. And to be honest, I’m still a little unclear about how to define “monogomish.” I’ve come to consider it as mostly monogamous. A couple of instances that come to my mind to illustrate being monogomish are a couple trying swinging on occasion, or openness to an opportunity to have a kind of sex that may not be sanctioned within the relationship.
However you define your relationship or sexual arrangements, and there are no judgments here, my best advice is to have open conversations. Where I see couples struggle is when one person believes something is allowed within the confines of the relationship and the other person doesn’t. And beyond that, the best chance of you getting what you want, is to ask!
