How Do I Change My Partner??

I love a good rom-com movie. High on my list of favorites are the “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” movies. The first one came out when I was in college and the plot of a somewhat dorky, awkward woman finding love was a little on the nose for me. In the third movie in the series, the main character, Tula, struggles to find her late father’s childhood friends. At one point, in my recollection, her husband, Ian, played by John Corbett, essentially tells her to stop trying. 

At this point, you may be wondering why I am going on and on about a rom-com in a therapy blog. It applies because couples come into therapy trying to figure out how to fix their partners. And my answer echoes Ian’s character’s advice: You Can’t. Stop Trying. 

Again, I’m sure you have more questions here. Why would a couples therapist say that we can’t change our partners? There’s a caveat here. We can’t change our partners, but that doesn’t mean our partners can’t or won’t change. The nuance is that our partners can change, but they have to make that decision for themselves, when they are ready. Furthermore, when we change, we can open the door for our partners to change as well - in good ways! 

So, why can’t we change our partners? The short answer is that our efforts often have the impact of making our partners dig in even further. When people are considering making a change, they have two way feelings, or ambivalence. Part of them very much wants to change and part of them doesn’t want to change. The part that wants to change understands that their behavior isn’t working for them. And the other part is gaining something from the behavior. It’s like the scales of justice. Both changes are weighed on different sides of the scale. When we try to tip the scale in one direction, the system corrects itself and tries to put more weight on the other side to stay in balance. As a result, our attempts to change our partner can make them even more resistant to change. 

Let’s think about how this can look in the real world. Let’s use an example of wanting one’s spouse to come home from work earlier. The psychology of the long-hours working spouse may look something like this: part of them really hates the long hours and wants to come home earlier. They could have an earlier dinner and get to bed earlier, which would feel good. However, there is a part of them that is struggling to make the change. This side might feel pressure from work and pressure to earn money. These are the two way feelings being weighed on the scale. When we tell our partner to come home earlier and start nagging them, we inadvertently tip the scale. Perhaps our partner had someone who was controlling in their past, and they may react poorly to being told what to do and dig in even further, staying at work later and later. 

So, this scenario begs the question of what to do. We have options. The first option is to talk about how their actions impact us. For instance, we can say, “I feel really lonely when you come home so late” or “I miss you.” This simple change can help our partners see how their actions are impacting us and potentially change on their own accord. The difference is that we’ve changed the power dynamic. We’re no longer trying to control our partners' actions, which gives them the space they need to think through their change, and hopefully change.

I recognize that doesn’t always work. Sometimes, people just aren’t ready to make a change. Frankly, if that is the case, your attempts to help them change won’t be successful and you run the risk of making the situation worse. So what can you do here? For that answer, tune into my next blog on boundaries and ultimatums!