"Why Don't I Want Sex?"
Although we don’t want to talk about it, low desire is actually fairly common for women. While sex drive tends to wax and wane in general, I’m talking about something more long term. Sexual Desire Disorder is a chronic condition that lasts for at least 6 months. Typically, folks with sexual desire disorder do not want to have sex of any kind, don’t really even think about sex or fantasize about it, and are distressed by their lack of sexual desire.
Low sex drive can happen for any number of really normal reasons. The reasons tend to fall into one (or more) of three main categories: biological, psychological, or social. For instance, when I worked at City of Hope, which is a cancer center, my patients frequently had desire disorders. Their cancer treatments, or even the cancer itself, left them feeling exhausted, weak, and sometimes in pain, leading to low sexual desire. Depression is another culprit of low sex drive. When folks are depressed, they often lose interest in sex. Making matters worse, anti-depressants can often have sexual side effects, such as low desire and arousal disorders.
Often problems in a romantic relationship can lead to folks not wanting to have sex. This can be so confusing because it can be difficult to differentiate if the lack of sex is causing or driving problems in the relationship. Sometimes it’s both! Often in couples, a desire discrepancy can arise. In my practice, I often work with couples with desire discrepancies.
It’s important to differentiate sexual desire disorders from other issues that can mimic the same symptoms. Other common issues that need to be separated out are asexuality and arousal disorders. Asexuality is not a disorder, and different from low sex drive because folks with low sex drives are often bothered by it. While (some, not all) folks who are asexual tend not to be bothered by low desire itself, they may become upset because their partners can be upset, at times. Arousal disorders are different, too. This is the equivalent of erectile disorders in men. It’s when one’s body cannot become aroused. These folks tend to want to have sex and feel desire.
Remember, if you’re having a low sex drive, it’s really normal! As I mentioned, it happens for really normal, and even common, reasons. There’s not something wrong with you! That being said, folks with low sex drive often want to make changes to improve their situation, and desire discrepancies can play out in relationships, which can be a challenging dynamic. If you’d like help, you don’t have to figure this out yourself. You’re not alone!
