When people find out I’m a sex therapist, after they stop giggling, the first question I’m usually asked is some flavor of “what is your best advice for having great sex?” Oftentimes, people are expecting something salacious about novel sex positions, or ways to have a better orgasm, but my advice is more straightforward and rooted in the research.

As Eugene Levy’s character (Jim’s Dad) in  American Pie reiterates in every sequel sex is a perfectly normal and natural thing. If he’s right, and we all love Eugene Levy, why is sexual shame so common and what do we do about it? 

Do you want the same amount of sex as your partner? Do you want the same type of sex as your partner? We tend to discuss desire discrepancy as the situation where one person in a monogamous couple wants more or less sex than the other. Folks tend to think of it in terms of an issue of frequency of sex, but it’s more nuanced.

We love to throw stones at explicit adult media materials. We demonize erotica, say that it ruins marriages, and warn that it leads to seeking more and more explicit or risky materials. Some say “it’s cheating!” or “it's exploitation!” Reality is nuanced, so let’s separate fact from fiction.

Each couple has their own version of “the fight.” But these fights have patterns. So let’s discuss the research behind the behaviors within couples’ communication that turn “the fight” into “the divorce proceedings.” The Gottman Institute calls them, “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” They are stonewalling, defensiveness, contempt, and criticism. These strategies are all but a guarantee for couples to remain in or escalate conflict.